Kate's Voice

I used to be quite shy.  I was nervous about going out to parties because I would have to start a conversation with other people.  I would have to think of some small talk and it would have to be interesting and clever.  I mean, people would want to know about me.  So I didn’t go to many parties unless they were people I knew well, and if I did have to go to a gathering of people with whom I was less familiar, I hid out in the corner or with someone who looked friendly and try to answer their questions as best I could.  That was in college.  Once out of college I quickly learned that things needed to change or I would be very lonely and not very good at getting a business started!

One night,  I was hanging out in the corner having a conversatin with a very nice man who asked me why I was so quiet in person when I was so outgoing on stage. I told him I was shy and he said that was bullshit.  I said, “No, really.  I can’t seem to think of clever things to say when I meet new people.  I don’t have any small talk skills, don’t know any great conversation starters,  and I don’t know what to tell them about myself.”  At this, he started laughing hysterically.  I have to admit I was a little offended and even thought that he was being very cruel to such a shy person as myself, but he kept on laughing and telling everyone around us how shy I was, which amused them all as well.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity and I was just about to take my leave, when he told me an amazing truth that I had never realized before.  His statement completely bowled me over and from that day forward, my shyness ceased.

This is what he told me:
“No one cares about you.  They want to talk about themselves.”

Now, I have to admit that as a performer it’s hard to believe that people don’t want me to go on and on about my wonderful self, but I have found that my mentor was correct. The funny thing to realize is that it didn’t even occur to me to talk about the other person, which is how I knew he was right!  Since that time, I have gotten better and better about conversations with those I don’t know and have made some great friends along the way, and learned a lot.  I’ve also attended some wonderful parties that I would never have ventured out to before that time. So now, I want to share what I’ve learned about small talk, conversations with others, conversation starters, and excellent conversation questions and and here are three things to remember:

1. Start a conversation with a friendly greeting, a comment on the weather, an observation on traffic, or even an off the wall remark about the food at the party, but start a conversation.  There are no excellent conversation questions.  Conversing just takes practice.
2. Ask questions about the other person, but don’t grill them like an FBI agent.  People with the best small talk skills try to find something interesting about others that they can focus on a bit so the conversation is more in-depth and interesting.  Be genuinely curious but not obnoxious. And stay away from conversation questions that only require yes or no answers.
3. Find places where their story reminds you of your own and explore that together, but resist the urge to get caught up in your own remarkable story!!  Remember, when you have to do the talking, the pressure’s on to be clever and articulate.  When the other person is in the hot seat, you can relax!

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