Kate's Voice

At an early age, I became obsessed with the need to be understood. Not unusual for a self-focused kid, and some would say it is often the driving force of a middle child (my mom always called me the Ham in the Sandwich..with good reason!). I am sure that this obsession with being heard and understood eventually allowed me to be a performer and a public speaker and to feel very much at ease in front of others. (Are you kidding? They couldn’t keep me OFF of the stage!) It also led me to explore communication in general. This blog will often focus on what makes us better communicators. And this short post is focused on just that.

In general, the key to effective communication is clearly knowing your intention and how that intention aligns with your listener, your content, and your delivery method. So let’s take the first part of this formula today: Intention.

I have talked about intention a great deal on this blog.  I first learned about intention as a powerful force through studying yoga.  Much research has been done on intention and it has led us to conclude that it is real and influential.  But what is it and what does it do?  Research at Princeton on intention suggests that  ” All the evidence points toward intention acting as initiating an excitation in the “core” of the individual that simultaneously affects consciousness via the unconscious mind.” This happens in the core/mind of the audience as well as the speaker!  “If Jahn & Dunne are right there is a much greater intimacy and intercourse between ourselves and our surroundings than we currently appreciate or would be able to predict based upon conventional scientific theory.”

Spending time every day to be clear about your intention in your communication is powerful. Here’s a process that can get you started:

• Create a life purpose statement and a work purpose statement. A purpose statement is a brief description of what you do and why you do it.
• Keep these statements in your notebook, date book, laptop, and on your desk- places where you will be able to read them throughout the day as you prepare talks, sales pitches, or discussions.
• Spend two or three minutes every morning consciously reviewing them and how they may apply to the day ahead.
• At the end of the day, spend a couple minutes reviewing them again, and see if you stayed on track.
• If not, make notes on what happened and how you might do things differently the next time.
• If you found that you were on track, plan to get more detailed with your intentions the next day.

Creating a statement of intention for each project or product you represent, and for any important conversations you plan to have will insure that you are more and more aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it. That in turn will reflect in your voice and increase your vocal impact, which will increase your chances of being understood, and of being very clear about who you are and what you want to accomplish. Good stuff!!

What do you know about intention that you can share with us?

Sometimes, it can be confusing to discover how you really feel about a relationship, and, therefore, how to talk to that person. This applies to all relationships: lovers, co-workers, and clients. However, if you are willing to get honest with yourself, conversational intent can be very revealing. In his terrific book on co-operative communication, The Seven Challenges Workbook,  Dennis Rivers lists more than two dozen possible fulfilling conversational intentions, or reasons to have a conversation. Some of these are:

• tell you about my experiences/feelings…that involve no implied requests or complaints toward you OR…so that you will understand the request, offer, complaint, etc.,
• I want to make. express my affection for you (or appreciation of you concerning…)
• confirm my understanding of the experience or position you just shared. (this usually continues with .I hear that you…,. .Sounds like you…,.So you’re feeling kinda…, or Let me see if I understand you….)
• negotiate or bargain with you about…
• work with you to reach a decision about…

He also lists 12 unfulfilling conversational intentions. Some of these are:

• To blame (focuses on past instead of present and future)
• To control or coerce (force, influence someone against their will and consent)
• To manipulate (to influence someone without his or her knowledge and consent) Stonewalling:
• To deny the existence of a problem in the face of strong evidence and sincere appeals from others
• To hide what is important to me from you (if you are an important person in my life)

Often a conversation is not productive because the intention you imagine is different from your real intention.  For example, you might imagine  that your intention is to express your admiration, when in fact, your intention is to control or coerce. You may not be intentionally dishonest, but you will still give that perception to your conversation partner. It will be revealed in your body language and, most assuredly, in your voice. Research has shown that babies as young as six months of age can hear intention in an adult’s voice And when the words and the pictures don’t match, your personal integrity is in question.

How to use conversational intent:

Before you have a conversation, think through exactly what your purpose for the conversation is. Get VERY honest with yourself, even if you don’t want to tell the other person your intention. You may be surprised to discover that your intention is actually different than you thought it was. Once you know what your real intention is, you will be more clear about what you need to say and how to say it. At that point, you can let the other person in on your intention and you can also ask them to reveal their intention. This way you will have a better idea of where the conversation might go and can also make sure that both of you get a chance to discuss what is important to you.

Related reading:

A new paradigm for leadership on the World Cafe